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Could my life get any more complicated? Camilla is getting suspicious again. She sees the way Halifax glares at me at the gatherings, but Halifax won't say why and I sure as hell won't. I don't think it's important enough to Camilla for her to force me to talk, but it definitely doesn't endear me to her, either. Not that anything does.

I got lucky on Thursday. Camilla almost kept me at home, but I managed to slip out and made it in the club just in time for our set. She was pretty fucking pissed tonight when she woke up, though. I think I only escaped her wrath because she didn't want to mess up my face before the clan party. Wouldn't exactly reflect well on her choice of childe.

Of course, all this means I hardly see Sammy anymore. I don't know. Maybe it's a good thing. I was already worried about drinking from her too often, and the longer this goes on, the worse I feel. I thought it would be so convenient, having a steady girlfriend who I could feed from in emergencies, but I think I got myself in way over my head. She's worried and suspicious and getting a little more possessive. It doesn't help that she's my ghoul's friend, either. She hasn't exactly come out and said anything, but I know she's upset that I talk to Icarus more than I talk to her. There's no way she could know why it's necessary, and I'm not about to explain it, but it does make everything that much more complicated.

Maybe it's time to end it. Hell, maybe it was time to end it back when Camilla tracked us down. I should have broken it off then, but I felt so guilty after the attack that I just couldn't do it. I guess I still do.

I'll worry about it later.
Wow! What a great turnout last night at Frozen Synapse. Sorry to everyone who got turned away when the club filled up. It was seriously standing room only in there. We had a blast but none of us really expected that many people to be out on a Wednesday night. To those who did make it in: You were a fantastic audience! Sorry we couldn't stay longer. If you missed it (or even if you didn't and just want an encore), come out to Krotek this Saturday night for a reprise. We'll be on around 10:30pm and there should be a lot more room than there was on Wednesday.

We'll also have CDs on sale at Krotek, so make sure to stop by the booth if you want to pick one up. Of course you can also get all our stuff on iTunes and Amazon, but if you buy in person, we'll be happy to sign the case for you.


I can't believe we survived that. Still not quite sure we did. The others all seem content to let things lie, but it's not so easy for me. None of them have to deal with the fallout. I'm the one who sees Halifax at every gathering, sees how she watches me, sees the hate in her eyes. She makes my skin crawl. We got lucky, that's all. If she hadn't been so overconfident and broken the Masquerade, we'd all be dead now. Don't they get that? Don't they understand what a dangerous game we're playing?

Of course they don't. What am I thinking? They've barely scratched the surface. Hell, I've barely scratched the surface of all this, and as scared as I am, I'm sure it's not nearly enough. It's probably better this way. If they knew what I know, they'd be pissing themselves. If I could still piss I'd probably be joining them.

There's a silver lining, at least: I don't have to hide from them anymore. I didn't realize what a big deal that was until it happened. It's still a little weird to realize that they know and still aren't afraid of me. With Icarus it sort of made sense--he didn't exactly have a choice--but the others? I know Tina at least had half a mind to stake me and leave me to burn. Maybe she still does, I dunno. I saw what she tried to do to Trevor. I can't blame her, really, or any of them, but I still couldn't let her destroy him. It's not like I know him as a person but I don't think he's all bad on the inside. Clan loyalty is a powerful thing. None of them can understand that.

And yet, even though they don't understand me, or us, or any of it, somehow it's okay. They're not trying to destroy me--at least, not yet. For whatever reason, they've decided to trust me. I hope they don't change their minds.

I don't want to fight them.
Thanks to everyone who came out to Azelius tonight. We had a great time and got to meet a lot of fans. Jackson wants me to give a shout out to the girls who caught his eye during the second set -- he says you'll know who you are. Sheesh, I feel like I'm passing notes in high school. ;) Hope you guys had as much fun as we did!

Next week we'll be playing Tuesday at Carry, Wednesday at Frozen Synapse, and Saturday at Krotek. I'm thinking of trying a new song out on you guys one of those nights, so come by if you wanna catch that. As always we're going to have a great time. Show up and support the band!


David Vardes

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July 2011


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